Official trash blog, Enjoy

Woooo, since yesterday I feel great...well, that might change since...i'm wierd. But (!!) I found a way not to be depressed all the time. So I can focus on growing myself as a human (duh) being....what did I do when my parents died? Was I depressed? Cried? Lost my will to live? No. Not for a single moment. (do you even have feelings?! ofc I do...) I do miss them, don't get me wrong. They were me and I was them, but life goes on. So will I. I found a way of forgetting. Let's pretend they are dead. So I don't have to think about what his brithday will be like without me. His Christmas...New Year, whether he is healthy or not. He chose to leave...and after all this time, I think I have to choose to give up. I hope he is content with himself now. I don't doubt it...he was always a little bit of an idiot. I hope it's okay to forget all his small flaws that I've been keeping to myself, not to forget.That he hates mushrooms or tomatoes. Adores squid (ble, i ...

I like rain. Rain washes away every thought I have and just let's me see all my tears as if nature was in sync with me. I was bathing in my tears yesterday.  They say say either sleep nothing when you are upset or waay too much. Sleeping too much is on for me now. I have no motivation to get out of bed, so I just sleep away the morning, the afternoon...the evening...so I don't have to get up and do something. I feel so much worse than before. Not even my computer can get me out of bed nowadays. That's bad. I can't even touch the only thing that used to keep me alive. Once a week? Maybe that's accurate. I don't feel the need to go and do something. I am the worst. I wonder what's up now...or is it just my life to be sad now? I am going crazy I swear to God.

Another english post...because I feel like it. Had to wait a few days....or a week(?!) before feeling like writing this out. I needed some time to think this through. July, 17- (a month into being 21 woo) and I can't sleep. Listening to Goblin soundtrack-Hush....maaaaan, that drama is life! But this is not a totally sad post now i guess. It's getting easier to get used to being on my own, after being let down by yet another man. I guess I am just not lucky with this "LOVE" thingy. Now after all that it's easier and not at the same time. Lemme just ...yeah, so. After my break up, I was lost. Like feeling absolutely shit about being around myself-so I wanted to fix that, in-game. I wanted to show him, he wasn't that important so I could play my fav game even without him. This is when I met my Will. Dunno, I guess his voice was what got to me. I have something for voices I guess. But the most important thing...it was different, so I thought it would be dif...

Wow...Már hat hónapja volt. Hat hónapja hogy nincs már velem akit....LOL, ez nyálas. Hadd próbáljam újra. >> Már hatodik hónapja hogy összetörték a szívemet, de még csak egy vagy két hete kezdem IGAZÁN úgy érezni hogy gyógyulgatok. Már nem gondolok rá olyan gyakran. Mióta hazajöttem egyre könnyebb, és sok programot csináltam magamnak ami szintén sokat segít. Pl: munka. IGEN! Végre van melóm....ami azt illeti, ma is megyek éjszakára...RIP. De könnyű munka, és amúgy sem alszok sokat esténként. Így legalább hasznosítom azt a szabadidőt amit vagy sorozatok nézésével, vagy videójátékozással töltenék. Azóta megismertem új embereket, kitűztem új célokat....de valahogy még mindig ott van a tudatalattim mélyén. Amikor a legsebezhetetlenebbnek érzem magam, akkor jön elő és tesz tönkre újra.Ez általában este történik....ezért nem alszok. Csak egy villanás, egy kósza emlékkép...és vége. Újra ott vagyok Új év estélyén amikor szinte semmibe lettem nézve, pedig a barátnőjeként álltam mé...

Wohoo, megint itthon. Na jah. Hát érdekes hazajönni, mert végre megkaptam a lehetőséget hogy éljem az álmom...Anglia, királynő meg a tea (jó, utálom a teájukat, az tény...fujj, de most komolyan tejjel??)....aztán az álom véget ért...egyenlőre. Az, hogy kijutottam, lehet hogy leginkább a saját erőmből....de mégis valaki másért mentem ki. Így viszont már nincs értelme kint szenvednem. Semmi pénzem nem maradt a hétvégére amikor kint voltam, és így ez nem élet. Oké, vezetni tanultam, ....és el is ment a heti fizum. Szóval, hazajöttem. Viszont ennek itt nincs vége...az álmom, nem változott. Vissza fogok menni, de az akkor már ÉRTEM lesz. és nem miatta. Elégettem a dolgokat amik hozzá kötöttek. Soha nem is kaptam tőle semmi olyat, amit szívből adott volna. Szerintem. Volt tőle két pólóm (meg az amit én terveztem kettőnknek), egy plüss pingvin...és ezeket soha nem magától adta. Egy Star Wars bögre...amit földhöz vágtam. DE jól esett!! Nem bántam meg hogy nem tartottam meg. Nem akarok rá e...

Tuturututuuuu I am officially in Crazy Town....mm...let me explain. I QUIT MY JOB!!!  SO basically....I am this Au pair in (insert any town name here) and I just had a moment of "I am done with this shit" like I usually do. Like twice a week. So I quit. And now I have no job. Yup. Things are very awkward here, but I feel If i don't feel happy with my terms I shouldn't stay just so I can please people. I felt like this for a long time, sometimes more, sometimes less...but it was like I was the fool here. I certainly wasn't doing the job I was contracted to do. And I felt like it doesn't really matter if I stay or if I don't. So I am going home...Blub. WTF i am doing w my life srsly tho....well, I kinda feel bad. But I know I have to stop looking at what's good for people and start looking at what's good for me. and...this is not good.