Wow

Been a while...and a lot happened. I guess I am free??!! Let me explain...

This picture here, I shot it Last Saturday(04.03.2017) ...It was my day out around Kent and totally alone. I felt like I needed to run away. So I went for it. I was wondering around the coastline, just enjoying myself and then....I just wanted to go up there. So I did. It was freaking awesome. I mean...high...phew, my poor lungs, I did not think that through back then.... :D
I wasn't planning on going up there that day, but by the end of the day I felt this rush...I felt this, restless feeling you know?
Probably not....anyways, so I took off and climbed these massive cliffs...open wind, open to public open space wherever you look. Then I had a crazy idea.
Yes. Very crazy....Not that much, but still. (no worries, nothing's happened, I am still here writing this thing...)
I wanted to jump.
Like, crazy, I was drunk from the fresh air rushing into my lungs and I figured...this would be a nice place to die. So I kinda...went for that. I don't know...how other people do that. As I stepped out to the edge of the cliff in front of me, the wind was so strong...whatever motive I had before, it left me that instant...and fear took its place. As I was looking down from the edge, I've seen the ocean crushing against it's walls....strong and beautiful. Still in fear. I feared for my own life. Then I realized....whatever happened, he wouldn't care. It's over for him. Why can't it be over for me? That moment, my own life was more important than his.

It doesn't look that bad, does it? It was. Terrifying. That is when I picked up that white stone..on the picture. Started shouting and threw it away. Never felt so good in my life. It was almost like back in the days, when I haven't met him. Then I understood. I was clinging onto a memory of the man I loved. The him that I thought was still there, but I was too blind to see the truth. He was long gone. He changed, his feelings changed, his mindset had changed. And it shaped us both. Until he couldn't stay by my side any longer. Reassure me that he was there. Because he wasn't.

I would have done anything for that other man I knew. He knew that I think, I mean I moved to be with him. I really would have. Not anymore. Finally, I can say it too. It's over.

Maybe, just maybe, it's better for both of us. I also reassured myself that day. 

This will never happen again. I will never trust a person like him again.

I will keep my word. I will never forget or forgive how he lied to me over and over again.

If he asks to be friends....We are not friends. Never were, never will be. I need no person in my life who can't trust me enough to speak honestly. Whatever is the topic. 

Honesty is a rare gift...don't expect it from anyone just because you are honest... You are you for a reason. So , I ....trust noone. (tu tu tuuu, star wars reference)

After letting go of that wonderful memory of a man, who came out of his way before, to prove himself to me...and of the other one, who didn't and turned out to be the biggest disappointment in my life....I was able to laugh again. Since then, I am off of drinking again. And not to mention the fact, that I was also able to practice my Japanese with some tourists on the way back, it was a meaningful...successful day. Best I have had since that break up. I will make sure I know what I worth....and it is a lot more, that I was next to him.

Just wanted to commemorate this journey of mine to freedom. Off you go.

See you next time ;)