Official trash blog, Enjoy

I had a bad dream, nightmare...however you call it...I was alone standing at a bench and he was there...in a circle, chatting with his friends....Oh, it was not a nightmare...it was a memory that still haunts me.~~ I am not saying...I was not in fault there. I'm sure I was. We all make mistakes. Although, I've never done anything to him that would have made him lie to me. He did though...not once. And still couldn't come clean at the end. Maybe that is why I can't let him go. I just wish he was man enough to tell me why. That is all I want. The truth ...is that so much to ask?

I don't know what I was really thinking anymore. I kinda felt like...I was lost. I missed him the whole week. Whenever I saw something he would have liked, something nice happened or something bad...he was the first person I wanted to reach out to. Yet I kept myself to that week of doom...that totally pushed him away from me, if I hadn't done it already. When the day came...to meet up, I was just waiting, and waiting...he would not call. So I messaged him. Called...then he said it. So cold, so sure....I first said...."Yeah, I think so too..." but I couldn't breathe or say anything else. So I hang up. Cried. Like never before in my life. It took every single muscle in me not to run to the train station...get on a train, and run to him asking why. I hadn't slept that night. Or for the next 2 weeks. The man I fell in love with disappeared in front of me and just like that, I was a stranger to him. Next day, when he came to meet me with my stuff...i couldn'...

*had her first driving lesson today, very scared but excited* Hm....yeah, its almost over. It was. After that night, NYE....I hugged him while we went to sleep. I wanted to ask him...what led him to his decision...of suggesting the break..or the break up. But I just couldn't. I wanted to be strong. I did not want to go back on my word once again...and I wanted him to have a choice. If he chose me, I would have been happy. That choice, of leaving or staying. I wanted to give him that. I never had the right to choose. He was so different from me. Still having his family by his side, friends who support him. A home to call home and....he doesn't have to fight for all those things. I do...always had to. I did not want to ...drag him down with me. So I stayed quiet that night as he had fallen asleep. The next morning, since the moment I woke up...all I could think about was the break up. What I should have done, what I should have said. I was sad. He did not mention it all da...

Yeah....so that Christmas. We wanted to fix it. Did we really? Did he? Or he just went along with it for the sake of the relationship? ~~~ The last Christmas I got to spend with wonderful people, because his family... they are amazing. It was a miracle to have gotten to know them. And there was I, scared, shy...I couldn't even strike up a conversation on my own. Not just because of not knowing what to say...I am not English. That bothered me from the start. "What if I say something weird? If they laugh at my accent?" I was insecure about that the whole time. When I did manage to talk tho...i was proud and happy. They either just went along with having a foreigner with them or liked me a bit...I dunno :) But I was grateful for all the time I had with them. I miss it. Most importantly, I never mattered. All what was important to me that he didn't lose the time with his family, that he did not have to give it up to be with me. That is what I focused on. I wonder if it...

Hmm....I wonder why I actually started my blogging again. Oh yeah...I am alone. Writing these things out helps...putting things to their places. Even if I can't tell him, and he won't ever see this. I don't have the courage anymore...to say it into his face. No matter what I say it means nothing. ~~ I said it first...in October? That I wanted to break up....no, that wasn't it. It was a beginning of a big slope. I knew something was changing with us. He did not text or call me for 3 days. I was worried. And miserable. Sad. Helpless. I couldn't focus on anything else but him, not talking to me. So I visited him...that we needed to talk. I needed to know, we were alright. I had to go. And he wouldn't even have thought of coming up to me....so I said: this is not good like this. We can work this out though, together. He said the same. We were relieved, happy but nothing was the same as before. I think, when I actually first said it...was the beginning of Novembe...

Mm....I wish I could just list the happy memories. There were so many. The biggest mistake I made was not realizing how much he meant to me, I guess. I always told myself.."I am just one of his many girlfriends to come, but I can teach him to be better for the next." Yeah...so unselfish and stupid. But what I thought was " He means the world to me...if he is gonna leave me, I don't want to get hurt. I can end it before that happens." And......I did exactly that. I started pushing him away from me. For silly things. Any reason was fine. Obviously, there were bigger ones and smaller ones. Like, not introducing me to his friends, not taking my hand, leaving me behind without noticing. The small ones? Don't matter anymore. You may see these as "Dude, you were a whiny bitch, get over yourself." For me, it was like....not acknowledging me as a girlfriend. It hurt. Still does. Maybe it wasn't intentional. I will never know. So after...2 occasio...

Khm, khm....akkor itt lennek ismet. Hol is tartottam....ja, megvan. So...I moved, right? That's where I left it....What a terrible mistake it was. I see it now, jokes on me for realizing too late. I mean, back then it all seemed logical, you know...he loved me, I loved him, we wanted to be together. I was in university, and I loved it. The people, the atmosphere and for the first time in my life...I liked going into my lectures. I liked the classes, the teachers....most of them. So I was doing great. Why did I leave then, you  may ask...I had everything, I could have graduated, get a job, then go and be together. Hey, we all make mistakes. I rushed....myself. To grow up. I....I rushed him too, I guess. Probably. It is not clear yet...inside my head. So, I quit Uni, we looked for an Au pair job for me where he lives. I planned on going there, doing some work, getting enough money to get to Collage there, get qualifications and...start my life. Over. By my choice. Without anyone...