Ahol vege lett...part 3

Mm....I wish I could just list the happy memories. There were so many. The biggest mistake I made was not realizing how much he meant to me, I guess. I always told myself.."I am just one of his many girlfriends to come, but I can teach him to be better for the next." Yeah...so unselfish and stupid. But what I thought was " He means the world to me...if he is gonna leave me, I don't want to get hurt. I can end it before that happens."

And......I did exactly that. I started pushing him away from me. For silly things. Any reason was fine. Obviously, there were bigger ones and smaller ones. Like, not introducing me to his friends, not taking my hand, leaving me behind without noticing. The small ones? Don't matter anymore. You may see these as "Dude, you were a whiny bitch, get over yourself." For me, it was like....not acknowledging me as a girlfriend. It hurt. Still does. Maybe it wasn't intentional. I will never know.

So after...2 occasions...I think I was so ....occupied...with stress...I didn't want to talk to him. He tried. For a while. And I always brushed him off. But ...I was still waiting for him to call. Whenever I saw the text...his text...I had multiple feelings, you know? The one of annoyance and the one with joy. I doubted myself. Am I really in love with him? Still?

 When I looked at him, it was clear as day. Every morning. Every day. Even the smallest glimpse, he was...perfect. I couldn't have been more in love until he did something small but amazing, and I fell even deeper. But I only realized it like...when it was too late.

So....we started talking less. He...gave up on fixing what I have...we have messed up. He did not call, did not text. And I visited him nonetheless every week. Like nothing's changed.

I wonder, when he decided on the break up...because when he told me it was over, he couldn't even look into my eyes. No reason. No explanation. All I have are my guesses and it drives me crazy.

Batshit crazy. Even though I am trying to forget, I really do.

I said...things. I should not have. When I wanted to protect myself from the inevitable loss. I said : I want to break up. I never wanted to...It was never like that. Only then, he would talk to me how he felt. Other than that, he didn't say anything anymore. And I should have noticed that. I really really should have. He was a guy, I said, he doesn't talk unless it's serious, I said. So I was waiting...for him to come around and say it. Something. Anything. He never did.

Once I tried getting it out of him, because I did notice something has changed. Did not know what, but I felt like he did not trust me anymore. He would have told me otherwise, right?

Then he blurted out: I am depressed, that's what you want to hear?

I was crying. I wanted to help. I know what depression is. It is eating you from the inside, lurking there and waiting to strike. I knew that.

That was the last time, he opened up to me. A month before we broke up.

to be continued...still not over, yea...