Just like that...part 7
I don't know what I was really thinking anymore. I kinda felt like...I was lost. I missed him the whole week. Whenever I saw something he would have liked, something nice happened or something bad...he was the first person I wanted to reach out to. Yet I kept myself to that week of doom...that totally pushed him away from me, if I hadn't done it already.
When the day came...to meet up, I was just waiting, and waiting...he would not call. So I messaged him. Called...then he said it. So cold, so sure....I first said...."Yeah, I think so too..." but I couldn't breathe or say anything else. So I hang up. Cried. Like never before in my life. It took every single muscle in me not to run to the train station...get on a train, and run to him asking why. I hadn't slept that night. Or for the next 2 weeks.
The man I fell in love with disappeared in front of me and just like that, I was a stranger to him.
Next day, when he came to meet me with my stuff...i couldn't even think straight. I wanted to convince him to stay. He couldn't even look into my eyes. He did not say reasons why. No explanations. No...nothing.
All he said was...sorry and I don't know.
So I asked him: Is it me? Am I not attractive? Is it someone else? In just one week from saying I love you how could he just go...let's break up?
Not looking into my eyes, clinching his fists...that was all I got. He said: I am sorry, I am not good at this stuff....Truth is, you don't have to be good in breaking up with someone. You have to be honest.
That was all I wanted, since I couldn't turn back time to make my mistakes right.
I gave him something...Something that I actually wanted to give him on Valentines day...it symbolized us. A star wars couple necklace. We watched the newest movies together and I really could see how it was us, you know...Leia and Han. Fighting, flirting, arguing but still in love. Lately, it was only me caring about stuff. If something was wrong...it was only me noticing. I think at least.
If he had, why wouldn't he say something? I wanted him to come back...with one pair of it. I am still in a dream world...right?
Since then....I have been through hell...accidents, my finance ....my life is just slipping away and I can't really get a grip on it anymore. Since then...I have heard...3 different opinions of 3 different people...on our break up. And non of that was the same. Which one should I believe?
It took...a long to to...to just get used to it a little. So I can sleep.
One more mistake....I wrote him notes. Of how I felt during that month when he wasn't with me anymore. And took it to him. I needed a closure. Something that meant the end for me. He couldn't give that. No matter how much I asked him....literally pleaded him, so we could talk properly about it. Because me getting (literally) 10 minutes, trying to get him back and then him, walking off without giving me a reason, an answer...anything. That is not how you handle a break up. I've never felt so humiliated in my life. I promised myself, I would never do that again for anyone. No matter how much I still love them.
I did not care....rather, did not want to hear him sending me away again. So I just left the notes there...and I can only hope...he had read them. And knows what we both did wrong. But I highly doubt it...I don't know him anymore. I did not deserve this kind of treatment...not from him.
I've had so many things going on my mind since then....I doubted so many things about him. If he ever loved me...or I was just "fun" for him....yeah...He said so himself..."We had fun. But that is it"
Wow....I know, I am a woman, overthinking...but seriously...how could he say that. He was not just fun for me to pass time....(trying not to get carried away)
I have so many other things to say...so maybe, just maybe. If I got the chance to start over...would I?
Yes. Do I still love him? Probably, yes. Was I naive and did I know this would happen? Yes...the minute we got involved. Did I regret? Not a minute of it. Not like it matters what I feel. It's just my problem now.
I know he hasn't thought of me since. Probably, he doesn't care anymore. At least that's what I have to say to myself if I want to keep moving forward. And I know...he hasn't read the letters, because he hasn't contacted me. He said he wanted to stay friends...yet, he is gone. And if he read my letter, he would know...I will be strong. I will not run after him anymore. Because it's all in that letter.
So...I would like to ...just remember this special bond, with all these posts. Sorry if it was too boring.
Thing is, he was my life and I planned one with him...not that I actually told him that ever. I did not want to scare him. Well, not that it matters anymore, eh?
He turned away from me, even though I could have gotten someone better...I still chose him. Yet, he walked away. Nothing I do will change that anymore. All I can say....learning from this is...Always say what you mean...mean what you say, and be honest.
Honesty, is the key. Don't wait until it's too late so you don't have regrets. Like I do.
When the day came...to meet up, I was just waiting, and waiting...he would not call. So I messaged him. Called...then he said it. So cold, so sure....I first said...."Yeah, I think so too..." but I couldn't breathe or say anything else. So I hang up. Cried. Like never before in my life. It took every single muscle in me not to run to the train station...get on a train, and run to him asking why. I hadn't slept that night. Or for the next 2 weeks.
The man I fell in love with disappeared in front of me and just like that, I was a stranger to him.
Next day, when he came to meet me with my stuff...i couldn't even think straight. I wanted to convince him to stay. He couldn't even look into my eyes. He did not say reasons why. No explanations. No...nothing.
All he said was...sorry and I don't know.
So I asked him: Is it me? Am I not attractive? Is it someone else? In just one week from saying I love you how could he just go...let's break up?
Not looking into my eyes, clinching his fists...that was all I got. He said: I am sorry, I am not good at this stuff....Truth is, you don't have to be good in breaking up with someone. You have to be honest.
That was all I wanted, since I couldn't turn back time to make my mistakes right.
I gave him something...Something that I actually wanted to give him on Valentines day...it symbolized us. A star wars couple necklace. We watched the newest movies together and I really could see how it was us, you know...Leia and Han. Fighting, flirting, arguing but still in love. Lately, it was only me caring about stuff. If something was wrong...it was only me noticing. I think at least.
If he had, why wouldn't he say something? I wanted him to come back...with one pair of it. I am still in a dream world...right?
Since then....I have been through hell...accidents, my finance ....my life is just slipping away and I can't really get a grip on it anymore. Since then...I have heard...3 different opinions of 3 different people...on our break up. And non of that was the same. Which one should I believe?
It took...a long to to...to just get used to it a little. So I can sleep.
One more mistake....I wrote him notes. Of how I felt during that month when he wasn't with me anymore. And took it to him. I needed a closure. Something that meant the end for me. He couldn't give that. No matter how much I asked him....literally pleaded him, so we could talk properly about it. Because me getting (literally) 10 minutes, trying to get him back and then him, walking off without giving me a reason, an answer...anything. That is not how you handle a break up. I've never felt so humiliated in my life. I promised myself, I would never do that again for anyone. No matter how much I still love them.
I did not care....rather, did not want to hear him sending me away again. So I just left the notes there...and I can only hope...he had read them. And knows what we both did wrong. But I highly doubt it...I don't know him anymore. I did not deserve this kind of treatment...not from him.
I've had so many things going on my mind since then....I doubted so many things about him. If he ever loved me...or I was just "fun" for him....yeah...He said so himself..."We had fun. But that is it"
Wow....I know, I am a woman, overthinking...but seriously...how could he say that. He was not just fun for me to pass time....(trying not to get carried away)
I have so many other things to say...so maybe, just maybe. If I got the chance to start over...would I?
Yes. Do I still love him? Probably, yes. Was I naive and did I know this would happen? Yes...the minute we got involved. Did I regret? Not a minute of it. Not like it matters what I feel. It's just my problem now.
I know he hasn't thought of me since. Probably, he doesn't care anymore. At least that's what I have to say to myself if I want to keep moving forward. And I know...he hasn't read the letters, because he hasn't contacted me. He said he wanted to stay friends...yet, he is gone. And if he read my letter, he would know...I will be strong. I will not run after him anymore. Because it's all in that letter.
So...I would like to ...just remember this special bond, with all these posts. Sorry if it was too boring.
Thing is, he was my life and I planned one with him...not that I actually told him that ever. I did not want to scare him. Well, not that it matters anymore, eh?
He turned away from me, even though I could have gotten someone better...I still chose him. Yet, he walked away. Nothing I do will change that anymore. All I can say....learning from this is...Always say what you mean...mean what you say, and be honest.
Honesty, is the key. Don't wait until it's too late so you don't have regrets. Like I do.
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