hm...part 6

*had her first driving lesson today, very scared but excited*

Hm....yeah, its almost over. It was. After that night, NYE....I hugged him while we went to sleep. I wanted to ask him...what led him to his decision...of suggesting the break..or the break up. But I just couldn't. I wanted to be strong. I did not want to go back on my word once again...and I wanted him to have a choice. If he chose me, I would have been happy. That choice, of leaving or staying. I wanted to give him that. I never had the right to choose. He was so different from me. Still having his family by his side, friends who support him. A home to call home and....he doesn't have to fight for all those things. I do...always had to. I did not want to ...drag him down with me. So I stayed quiet that night as he had fallen asleep.

The next morning, since the moment I woke up...all I could think about was the break up. What I should have done, what I should have said. I was sad. He did not mention it all day. Like...it was nothing to him. So cold. He expected me to act like nothing's happened last night. He called me downstairs to his friends... I felt out of place. Like someone who doesn't belong there. Maybe I never did. I really wanted to belong there, but I was in the way. Or, simply...just...not even there for them to notice. I wasn't talked to. I was observing, like a spectator, heard everything but could say nothing. Even his girl friend, was talking to his mum, like it was the most natural thing to do. I wish I could have done that. So I left. Not like it mattered that I was there. No one cared, really. That's how I felt. He came up...after me. 

After a short while and asked: Why are you here?

I said: Not like you want me down there, right?

He was just staring at me, and then went back.

The hour when I left...came so quickly. I couldn't even say a word. I wanted to scream..."Lets just calm down, and talk. It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

But I just left....I still remember his smile as he sent me off to the train.

"I love you, see you next week"

Then, I was off....did not realize yet, how big of a lie that was. I've seen something in his eyes. Maybe it was pain. Or sadness. I am not sure anymore.

He even texted me that night:

"I love you, I hope you got home safe <3 "

And I replied the stupidest thing...I could just think of...I don't know why...I felt so bad. For saying something like that. But I wanted him to make his choice. To be free. That is why I did it...I wish I could take it back, but I can't.

I texted: " Yeah...but don't sweat it. Don't forget, from now on a week break. As we...agreed."

I wish I could punch myself in the face.

After that, he turned even colder....no hearts, no smileys....the man I love was gone.