Ahogyan lennie kellett volna...part 4

Hmm....I wonder why I actually started my blogging again. Oh yeah...I am alone. Writing these things out helps...putting things to their places. Even if I can't tell him, and he won't ever see this. I don't have the courage anymore...to say it into his face. No matter what I say it means nothing. ~~

I said it first...in October? That I wanted to break up....no, that wasn't it. It was a beginning of a big slope. I knew something was changing with us. He did not text or call me for 3 days. I was worried. And miserable. Sad. Helpless. I couldn't focus on anything else but him, not talking to me. So I visited him...that we needed to talk. I needed to know, we were alright. I had to go. And he wouldn't even have thought of coming up to me....so I said: this is not good like this. We can work this out though, together. He said the same. We were relieved, happy but nothing was the same as before. I think, when I actually first said it...was the beginning of November. He left me alone in London, he did not introduce me to a girl he had been friends(?) with since middle school...or something. I was hurt. Like, why the heck not? It wasn't like I wanted to talk with her...just the gesture. Common courtesy. Back then he said: I am sorry, I don't want to lose you. Was that a lie?

End of November....Halloween...great fun, and my first ever, proper Halloween. I wanted to enjoy it with him. Something went wrong. In him. And I got angry, frustrated. Desperate, even. I lost myself...I did not understand what was going on. All he said to me was..."I don't know what is happening"

Neither was I. I wanted to slap him. Right then and there. Ofc, I did not. I couldn't have lived with myself after that. You don't hit someone you love. You care for.

So I ran. Away from him...but it did not end there. That was the second time, I gave him the "break up warning". After the talk, I did hit him....he insisted for his stupidity. I regret it to this day.

Somewhere in the beginning of December....we....did not even talk every 3rd day. It is not normal in a relationship. Am I the only one who thinks that?

Some time passed....there was something else. Oh.Yes.....that.....when he visited me after Halloween. I planned a trip right before that. He blew me off with lies. I knew he was lying. I always did and that's when he said, he was depressed. So....he came up. And we had a talk. About us. And what was happening. And again, I said something bad. It was true, but not in a sense as he thought, I think. Physical things were natural to us...but it was lost. That sparkle was lost. Most of the time. Not all the time, but most. That is when I was scared. I wonder, did that scare him too....

Last...ever....Christmas. I think I am scared of getting close to people that are bound to be gone from my side. I have lost everything so far in my life. I don't want to hurt anymore. Was this the reason why I couldn't open to his family that much? I spent Christmas with him. And it felt amazing. Until the point when I realized...I am missing something. My own family. My whole being shattered at once, after so many years of holding it in.When I was on my lowest, he did not even try to console me. It was a sign, he had given up...right? I truly....love and miss the family of his, that was closest to me. I miss the meals together. Losing them was like losing my second family. I know, I shouldn't have the right to say it. They were just that important. I was afraid of showing it, not to look like a child. Or ridiculous. But they were like a second pair of my own parents. I miss them.I wish I had spent more time with them, talking. I can still hear their voices.....I don't remember his though. It makes me want to rip my heart out.

So...Christmas. After my break down...emotional....break down, we went to a pub. With his friends. Not our friends. They never liked me. I was left out of conversations, inside jokes, stories I did not know about. I felt like I wasn't needed. But I went there for him. So he wouldn't lose the contact with his friends. I did not want him all for myself. But, he did not talk to me....invited me to the chat.Anything. He ignored me the whole night. And when we were leaving, some of his old friends came up to their group. He did not even say: oh, there is my girlfriend.

Like I wasn't even there....It hurt. More than anything.