Official trash blog, Enjoy

First of all... Emergency Couple This is a must see romantic thingy. Second of all...why tf am I watching romantic shit when I am alone af.... Yeah, good questions. BUT AAAAHHWWWW I am melting for real (go Doc <3) ....actually I finished it. And a few other. I seriously have an issue here.... ALso...my heart is feeling better---in 8 months for the first time. Maybe it's the medicine or just that I am accepting what I was fighting against, but there was always a ...little aching. A dull pain that I so got used to that I didn't even notice if it was gone. There are more times when it's there than it's not. But it's getting better. So I guess all is good. ---- Wooah pancakes are really my thing...specially when you eat it for main and desert as well....there is a cool place that I officially love now. WE went there with the family and it was sooo guuud. Wow 10/10! ----- November....I wonder if I should go back to England or not. I don't want to sta...

Woooo, since yesterday I feel great...well, that might change since...i'm wierd. But (!!) I found a way not to be depressed all the time. So I can focus on growing myself as a human (duh) being....what did I do when my parents died? Was I depressed? Cried? Lost my will to live? No. Not for a single moment. (do you even have feelings?! ofc I do...) I do miss them, don't get me wrong. They were me and I was them, but life goes on. So will I. I found a way of forgetting. Let's pretend they are dead. So I don't have to think about what his brithday will be like without me. His Christmas...New Year, whether he is healthy or not. He chose to leave...and after all this time, I think I have to choose to give up. I hope he is content with himself now. I don't doubt it...he was always a little bit of an idiot. I hope it's okay to forget all his small flaws that I've been keeping to myself, not to forget.That he hates mushrooms or tomatoes. Adores squid (ble, i ...

I like rain. Rain washes away every thought I have and just let's me see all my tears as if nature was in sync with me. I was bathing in my tears yesterday.  They say say either sleep nothing when you are upset or waay too much. Sleeping too much is on for me now. I have no motivation to get out of bed, so I just sleep away the morning, the afternoon...the evening...so I don't have to get up and do something. I feel so much worse than before. Not even my computer can get me out of bed nowadays. That's bad. I can't even touch the only thing that used to keep me alive. Once a week? Maybe that's accurate. I don't feel the need to go and do something. I am the worst. I wonder what's up now...or is it just my life to be sad now? I am going crazy I swear to God.

Another english post...because I feel like it. Had to wait a few days....or a week(?!) before feeling like writing this out. I needed some time to think this through. July, 17- (a month into being 21 woo) and I can't sleep. Listening to Goblin soundtrack-Hush....maaaaan, that drama is life! But this is not a totally sad post now i guess. It's getting easier to get used to being on my own, after being let down by yet another man. I guess I am just not lucky with this "LOVE" thingy. Now after all that it's easier and not at the same time. Lemme just ...yeah, so. After my break up, I was lost. Like feeling absolutely shit about being around myself-so I wanted to fix that, in-game. I wanted to show him, he wasn't that important so I could play my fav game even without him. This is when I met my Will. Dunno, I guess his voice was what got to me. I have something for voices I guess. But the most important thing...it was different, so I thought it would be dif...

Wow...Már hat hónapja volt. Hat hónapja hogy nincs már velem akit....LOL, ez nyálas. Hadd próbáljam újra. >> Már hatodik hónapja hogy összetörték a szívemet, de még csak egy vagy két hete kezdem IGAZÁN úgy érezni hogy gyógyulgatok. Már nem gondolok rá olyan gyakran. Mióta hazajöttem egyre könnyebb, és sok programot csináltam magamnak ami szintén sokat segít. Pl: munka. IGEN! Végre van melóm....ami azt illeti, ma is megyek éjszakára...RIP. De könnyű munka, és amúgy sem alszok sokat esténként. Így legalább hasznosítom azt a szabadidőt amit vagy sorozatok nézésével, vagy videójátékozással töltenék. Azóta megismertem új embereket, kitűztem új célokat....de valahogy még mindig ott van a tudatalattim mélyén. Amikor a legsebezhetetlenebbnek érzem magam, akkor jön elő és tesz tönkre újra.Ez általában este történik....ezért nem alszok. Csak egy villanás, egy kósza emlékkép...és vége. Újra ott vagyok Új év estélyén amikor szinte semmibe lettem nézve, pedig a barátnőjeként álltam mé...

Wohoo, megint itthon. Na jah. Hát érdekes hazajönni, mert végre megkaptam a lehetőséget hogy éljem az álmom...Anglia, királynő meg a tea (jó, utálom a teájukat, az tény...fujj, de most komolyan tejjel??)....aztán az álom véget ért...egyenlőre. Az, hogy kijutottam, lehet hogy leginkább a saját erőmből....de mégis valaki másért mentem ki. Így viszont már nincs értelme kint szenvednem. Semmi pénzem nem maradt a hétvégére amikor kint voltam, és így ez nem élet. Oké, vezetni tanultam, ....és el is ment a heti fizum. Szóval, hazajöttem. Viszont ennek itt nincs vége...az álmom, nem változott. Vissza fogok menni, de az akkor már ÉRTEM lesz. és nem miatta. Elégettem a dolgokat amik hozzá kötöttek. Soha nem is kaptam tőle semmi olyat, amit szívből adott volna. Szerintem. Volt tőle két pólóm (meg az amit én terveztem kettőnknek), egy plüss pingvin...és ezeket soha nem magától adta. Egy Star Wars bögre...amit földhöz vágtam. DE jól esett!! Nem bántam meg hogy nem tartottam meg. Nem akarok rá e...

Tuturututuuuu I am officially in Crazy Town....mm...let me explain. I QUIT MY JOB!!!  SO basically....I am this Au pair in (insert any town name here) and I just had a moment of "I am done with this shit" like I usually do. Like twice a week. So I quit. And now I have no job. Yup. Things are very awkward here, but I feel If i don't feel happy with my terms I shouldn't stay just so I can please people. I felt like this for a long time, sometimes more, sometimes less...but it was like I was the fool here. I certainly wasn't doing the job I was contracted to do. And I felt like it doesn't really matter if I stay or if I don't. So I am going home...Blub. WTF i am doing w my life srsly tho....well, I kinda feel bad. But I know I have to stop looking at what's good for people and start looking at what's good for me. and...this is not good.

Last week, I had a wonderful Wednesday out in the wild....okay, not that wild. I took my day off and ventured into a beautiful castle and garden. If the walk there wasn't an hour long....like, literally I did not have the best walking shoes on, so it felt like eternity....Anyways, It was gorgeous. It was on the coastline (dunno what's with me and coastline castles these days), lovely warm breeze, so everything was perfect. Finally, I thought I could get to wear more girly clothes....but England likes to prove me wrong....It's raining again. :( I am going home soon! I can't wait! Away from this rainy place, back to sunshine and paradise :D I need to think about what and how I will take home...after all, I have to slowly bring everything home from here......I am so clueless :0 Helps plzz XD The most boring thing is packing, when you go on a holiday.....oh, about holidays...I AM GOING TO VENICE this year!!! Before it disappears from the globe, the sinking city of Italy...

Just make it stop, I just want it to stop.

" I'd feel happy just by looking at him. I still hope something would happen. But we really broke up. When can I forget about this and finally move forward?I don't think of him that often anymore and I also feel slightly relieved. But I still think about him deep down inside. But once we've broken up we can never return to the way we were before. I hope one day...I can smile as I think about the happy memories I had with Hana-kun." -Hana-kun to Koisuru Watashi YES! This manga is absolutely amazing <3 For some technical reasons (bruhuhu) I can't watch any anime anymore...BUT I can read manga, so I do exactly that and I found this gemstone. This is about a girl, falling in love with a bad guy, who is not a bad guy at all...but stuff happen. She doesn't get it, but they break up...and she suffers a lot, deciding not to talk about it. Only difference is, here, she gets a happy ending, where the guy realizes why he pushed her away. Deciding to get her back...

Been a while...and a lot happened. I guess I am free??!! Let me explain... This picture here, I shot it Last Saturday(04.03.2017) ...It was my day out around Kent and totally alone. I felt like I needed to run away. So I went for it. I was wondering around the coastline, just enjoying myself and then....I just wanted to go up there. So I did. It was freaking awesome. I mean...high...phew, my poor lungs, I did not think that through back then.... :D I wasn't planning on going up there that day, but by the end of the day I felt this rush...I felt this, restless feeling you know? Probably not....anyways, so I took off and climbed these massive cliffs...open wind, open to public open space wherever you look. Then I had a crazy idea. Yes. Very crazy....Not that much, but still. (no worries, nothing's happened, I am still here writing this thing...) I wanted to jump. Like, crazy, I was drunk from the fresh air rushing into my lungs and I figured...this would be a nice place ...

Yesterday, it was...2 month exactly since the break up....the official...date is a bit later, but everything was over at NYE. Since then I had my ups and downs....and now I am at my downs....I feel terrible. Any time I want to think of myself, I can't.....I.....I miss everything that was us....and I can't think right now...

I like this picture....I feel like it represents the way I feel about what happened... Yay, another pointless post xD Just saying....I sometimes feel okay, like...I could get over him, then all of a sudden a random memory flashes in...Our first kiss, first date...how he forgot our 1,5 year anniversary...it was last December. Yes, ofc I remember. I remember everything. I was waiting for him to mention it....that was another night, when I silently fell asleep next to him. Or his birthday....one day he asked me if I knew the date...or when we got together. Ofc I do. I did, and I always will. It was supposed to be a joke, but he took it so seriously. I even laughed. I should have told him I knew them. Now, i can't even give him a present. So pointless...thinking about this, but I can't help it. I was crying a lot since I came to the UK. Most of the time it was because of him. Was I oversensitive? I don't think so...Who wouldn't cry when they have their "signifi...

I had a bad dream, nightmare...however you call it...I was alone standing at a bench and he was there...in a circle, chatting with his friends....Oh, it was not a nightmare...it was a memory that still haunts me.~~ I am not saying...I was not in fault there. I'm sure I was. We all make mistakes. Although, I've never done anything to him that would have made him lie to me. He did though...not once. And still couldn't come clean at the end. Maybe that is why I can't let him go. I just wish he was man enough to tell me why. That is all I want. The truth ...is that so much to ask?

I don't know what I was really thinking anymore. I kinda felt like...I was lost. I missed him the whole week. Whenever I saw something he would have liked, something nice happened or something bad...he was the first person I wanted to reach out to. Yet I kept myself to that week of doom...that totally pushed him away from me, if I hadn't done it already. When the day came...to meet up, I was just waiting, and waiting...he would not call. So I messaged him. Called...then he said it. So cold, so sure....I first said...."Yeah, I think so too..." but I couldn't breathe or say anything else. So I hang up. Cried. Like never before in my life. It took every single muscle in me not to run to the train station...get on a train, and run to him asking why. I hadn't slept that night. Or for the next 2 weeks. The man I fell in love with disappeared in front of me and just like that, I was a stranger to him. Next day, when he came to meet me with my stuff...i couldn'...

*had her first driving lesson today, very scared but excited* Hm....yeah, its almost over. It was. After that night, NYE....I hugged him while we went to sleep. I wanted to ask him...what led him to his decision...of suggesting the break..or the break up. But I just couldn't. I wanted to be strong. I did not want to go back on my word once again...and I wanted him to have a choice. If he chose me, I would have been happy. That choice, of leaving or staying. I wanted to give him that. I never had the right to choose. He was so different from me. Still having his family by his side, friends who support him. A home to call home and....he doesn't have to fight for all those things. I do...always had to. I did not want to ...drag him down with me. So I stayed quiet that night as he had fallen asleep. The next morning, since the moment I woke up...all I could think about was the break up. What I should have done, what I should have said. I was sad. He did not mention it all da...

Yeah....so that Christmas. We wanted to fix it. Did we really? Did he? Or he just went along with it for the sake of the relationship? ~~~ The last Christmas I got to spend with wonderful people, because his family... they are amazing. It was a miracle to have gotten to know them. And there was I, scared, shy...I couldn't even strike up a conversation on my own. Not just because of not knowing what to say...I am not English. That bothered me from the start. "What if I say something weird? If they laugh at my accent?" I was insecure about that the whole time. When I did manage to talk tho...i was proud and happy. They either just went along with having a foreigner with them or liked me a bit...I dunno :) But I was grateful for all the time I had with them. I miss it. Most importantly, I never mattered. All what was important to me that he didn't lose the time with his family, that he did not have to give it up to be with me. That is what I focused on. I wonder if it...

Hmm....I wonder why I actually started my blogging again. Oh yeah...I am alone. Writing these things out helps...putting things to their places. Even if I can't tell him, and he won't ever see this. I don't have the courage anymore...to say it into his face. No matter what I say it means nothing. ~~ I said it first...in October? That I wanted to break up....no, that wasn't it. It was a beginning of a big slope. I knew something was changing with us. He did not text or call me for 3 days. I was worried. And miserable. Sad. Helpless. I couldn't focus on anything else but him, not talking to me. So I visited him...that we needed to talk. I needed to know, we were alright. I had to go. And he wouldn't even have thought of coming up to me....so I said: this is not good like this. We can work this out though, together. He said the same. We were relieved, happy but nothing was the same as before. I think, when I actually first said it...was the beginning of Novembe...

Mm....I wish I could just list the happy memories. There were so many. The biggest mistake I made was not realizing how much he meant to me, I guess. I always told myself.."I am just one of his many girlfriends to come, but I can teach him to be better for the next." Yeah...so unselfish and stupid. But what I thought was " He means the world to me...if he is gonna leave me, I don't want to get hurt. I can end it before that happens." And......I did exactly that. I started pushing him away from me. For silly things. Any reason was fine. Obviously, there were bigger ones and smaller ones. Like, not introducing me to his friends, not taking my hand, leaving me behind without noticing. The small ones? Don't matter anymore. You may see these as "Dude, you were a whiny bitch, get over yourself." For me, it was like....not acknowledging me as a girlfriend. It hurt. Still does. Maybe it wasn't intentional. I will never know. So after...2 occasio...

Khm, khm....akkor itt lennek ismet. Hol is tartottam....ja, megvan. So...I moved, right? That's where I left it....What a terrible mistake it was. I see it now, jokes on me for realizing too late. I mean, back then it all seemed logical, you know...he loved me, I loved him, we wanted to be together. I was in university, and I loved it. The people, the atmosphere and for the first time in my life...I liked going into my lectures. I liked the classes, the teachers....most of them. So I was doing great. Why did I leave then, you  may ask...I had everything, I could have graduated, get a job, then go and be together. Hey, we all make mistakes. I rushed....myself. To grow up. I....I rushed him too, I guess. Probably. It is not clear yet...inside my head. So, I quit Uni, we looked for an Au pair job for me where he lives. I planned on going there, doing some work, getting enough money to get to Collage there, get qualifications and...start my life. Over. By my choice. Without anyone...